Plan B

For me, December 12th will now be known as Plan B Day. Let me tell you why.

Here was Plan A: The night of December 11th, 2010 the kids and I watched Despicable Me (the not yet ex wife was out for the evening) I put the kids to bed, drank about a liter of Maker’s Mark, took about 100 extra strength Tylenol and all of my anti-depressants. I put on my favorite pajamas, took my pillow and iPod to my room in the basement. Put the iPod on shuffle and then lay down on the floor to go to sleep.

People talk about suicide as a rash spur of the moment decision, it was not it my case. I had my plan in place for about 3 weeks. I was calm and rational about it. But along with Plan A, i also had to consider what happens if I wake up. Hence, Plan B was developed.

Plan B contained a few major bullet points.

Promise that I would never make this attempt again and those close to me know I do not use that word lightly. I have not made many promises in my life as I will only promise things I know I can do. I made this promise to many family and friends. I have not thought about it since.

Figure out who I was. I spent the last decade or so hiding on the couch, withdrawn from the world watching TV and movies. I barely made myself available for my ex and kids. I knew this needed to change, that I needed to know who I was before I could go any where.

Figure out what Love means to me. For much of our marriage, my ex told me I did not love her. I needed to understand what she meant and if she was right.

From the moment I woke up at 3:30 am and stumbled upstairs to bed, I was on Plan B. When my ex got home I made it downstairs and told her what I did and the road to Plan B started in earnest. I got to the hospital around 2pm on Sunday the 12th and was discharged on Friday the 17th around noon. Lots of time to think and think in the hospital and it was very helpful.

So from this point forward December 12th will be a day of reflection for me. Am I still me? Am I on my right path? Am I happy? What do I want or need to change to make all of those answers yes?

What about you? How can you answer those questions? Way deep down in the parts of yourself you don’t show to others and often not even yourself, how do you really feel?

Make a change and get started, please don’t sit on the couch. Read the rest of my blog, it covers a lot of what I did to make changes.

There is help out there.

As always, ask questions. I am here to help.



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A Modest Proposal.

I would like to tell you a little story about how strange and magical the world is. The names have been changed to protect the innocent.

26 or so years ago, I rubbed a girl’s feet at a party. She doesn’t remember this happening. It was that small, the start of this whole thing. It was my flapping of the butterflies wings. Flash forward to June of  2011. I was searching online for the girl who’s feet I rubbed at my friend’s party. Let’s call her Tanya Uniquelastname. What are the odds of two people having that last name? Who I found was the sister of the girl with the feet. Let’s call her Jasminda. We became fast friends, Jasminda and I. I did not think you could “click” with someone on Facebook, but you can. We became instant friends. Now she is family by choice.

While enjoying Facebook, I started to notice posts on Jasminda’s wall by someone named Red. She seemed funny, clever & intelligent. She liked my posts! You know what they say about that… Jasminda told Red she would like me. She told Red to “friend” me, she did. August 14, 2011 We also hit it off right away. Lots of private messaging and chatting.

Red asked me to dinner a mere 4 days after we “friended” on Facebook. We met there at 7, they kicked us out, at closing, at 11. We were all casual at first. All cool and reserved. Whatever….  But as time passed my thoughts kept returning to her. Who was this woman? How can she like me when I am being me?

Our iPods were eerily similar. We could often not tell who’s was playing. We liked live music, theater, dancing, steak, whiskey, beer…. It was really a birds of a feather thing as opposed to an opposites attract vibe. There was a peace, a tranquility with her. I found a stillness within myself I had never known. A great comfort in the fact I did not need her. There was no need, no hunger that was absolutely needing to be satisfied. There was a pull to be close, to share, to explore, to experience and most of all, the understanding it was mutual.

Fast forward to my birthday 2011. Red came home early from out of town because she missed me and did not want to miss my birthday. What a crazy and amazing evening. I was a wreck. That was when we became steadies? What do you call it? Exclusive? Sounds like a record company. Registered Companions?

What followed (and continues) was music, love, food, beer, dancing, love, so much laughter and joy.

Here we are, 2 years from when we “friended” We both talked about never getting married, but as time passed we both talked about what ifs and you knows. We have also talked about the meaning of marriage and the place it has in society. Just last night she gave me an anti proposal. We have proposed to each other multiple times, we have always said yes. I am just looking to make it more official.

So, right here, right now, I am asking, will you marry me Red?

And like every question I ask; no is a perfectly acceptable answer.

This is more a declaration of my intent to hold your hand whenever possible; to make you smile more than is reasonable and love you truly, madly deeply.

And if you say yes, when, is so very unimportant.

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