For me, December 12th will now be known as Plan B Day. Let me tell you why.
Here was Plan A: The night of December 11th, 2010 the kids and I watched Despicable Me (the not yet ex wife was out for the evening) I put the kids to bed, drank about a liter of Maker’s Mark, took about 100 extra strength Tylenol and all of my anti-depressants. I put on my favorite pajamas, took my pillow and iPod to my room in the basement. Put the iPod on shuffle and then lay down on the floor to go to sleep.
People talk about suicide as a rash spur of the moment decision, it was not it my case. I had my plan in place for about 3 weeks. I was calm and rational about it. But along with Plan A, i also had to consider what happens if I wake up. Hence, Plan B was developed.
Plan B contained a few major bullet points.
Promise that I would never make this attempt again and those close to me know I do not use that word lightly. I have not made many promises in my life as I will only promise things I know I can do. I made this promise to many family and friends. I have not thought about it since.
Figure out who I was. I spent the last decade or so hiding on the couch, withdrawn from the world watching TV and movies. I barely made myself available for my ex and kids. I knew this needed to change, that I needed to know who I was before I could go any where.
Figure out what Love means to me. For much of our marriage, my ex told me I did not love her. I needed to understand what she meant and if she was right.
From the moment I woke up at 3:30 am and stumbled upstairs to bed, I was on Plan B. When my ex got home I made it downstairs and told her what I did and the road to Plan B started in earnest. I got to the hospital around 2pm on Sunday the 12th and was discharged on Friday the 17th around noon. Lots of time to think and think in the hospital and it was very helpful.
So from this point forward December 12th will be a day of reflection for me. Am I still me? Am I on my right path? Am I happy? What do I want or need to change to make all of those answers yes?
What about you? How can you answer those questions? Way deep down in the parts of yourself you don’t show to others and often not even yourself, how do you really feel?
Make a change and get started, please don’t sit on the couch. Read the rest of my blog, it covers a lot of what I did to make changes.
There is help out there.
As always, ask questions. I am here to help.