November 7th, 2010

I guess the best place to start is with the event or day that got me started down the road to who I am today.

At this point we had been married for almost 19.5 years, the last decade or so we had been roommates, friends and parents to our two children. There was not much of a marriage left. I went upstairs to put away clothes that I knew my wife was folding. When I came into the bedroom, she was crying. I asked her what was wrong and she said she couldn’t do it anymore and the needed out of the marriage.

It was not the first time we’d had this talk or that she had told me this. This was however the first time I heard her. As much as I knew it was coming, I still felt devastated. I finished putting my clothes away then went downstairs to feed the kids. By the end of the evening and after the kids were in bed, I was falling apart. I felt lost, alone, angry and all the negative emotions you can name. The next few days, I was a complete mess. My birthday was 15 days after I heard her and was the worst I could remember. Christmas was difficult, but I was making progress in dealing with everything. I was struggling with a great deal of anger, with myself and with her. I was also bouncing all over in the grieving process.

I won’t bore you with the next couple of months, there was a lot of self medicating with alcohol, self-doubt, you know, the usual things you would expect. There was also a suicide attempt in early December. I slowly started to process what had happened and what it all meant.

I wasn’t sleeping and this gave me a great deal of time in my head to think about things and process the situation. One of the things I kept trying to do was change how I felt about her. I kept trying not to love her anymore, to not care. This topic is where I had my first real breakthrough. I realized that my feelings for her would never change and that was fine. Why should I stop loving her? She hadn’t changed and either had I, only the situation had changed. The more I thought about this the more I understood that is was perfectly fine to love her, I also came to the conclusion that there were a great number of people I still loved from my past, but I had suppressed my feelings because I thought (and was conditioned to believe) I could only love one at a time. That to love more than one was wrong. When I woke up the next morning, I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders, I was more at peace.

It felt great to have finally made some progress, towards what, I didn’t know, but I felt different and better.

Doug

P.S. I will go more into the suicide attempt in a future post, and as always feel free to ask questions.

 

Where to start…

As my birthday approaches, I will be 45 on November 21st, and I think about what to share about the last year of my life, I get stuck trying to figure out where to start.

Do I start with 7th grade, when I first started to notice how I did or did not fit in?  Do I start with meeting my ex wife, who has taught me so much I can never repay her? Do I start with the day that started all this?

Looking back, I have had some amazing watershed moments in my life. Great shifts in attitude and behavior, most of which we set in motion by some sort of painful or traumatic event. Some by small comments or observations by the right person at the right time. As I have gotten older, I have tried to pay more attention to these things. Every moment, every interaction with someone else is an opportunity to learn and grow. I will not miss these chances any more, I have changed and evolved so much since early last November, I have a hard time understanding it and putting it into words.

I will try to keep things in order and only side track when relevant. I will try to contrast my past thinking and current thinking. I will be as open as candid as I can. One of the many many things this journey has taught me is that as I am more honest and open with others, they easily reciprocate. This sharing of ideas and perspectives has been tremendous.

Please ask questions, either here or privately. I will answer accordingly.

Doug

P.S. I will not be changing names to protect the innocent, many of you know the people involved. What I will do is omit names when not needed, and show those involved the utmost respect and compassion.

Starting again

Hey Everyone,

I am finally getting ready to start doing some blogging.  I plan on talking about the changes in my life in the last year. It has been a year of transition for me like no other. I have met some of the most amazing people. Reconnected with friends I have missed dearly. This journey has taken my from the absolute low point of my life to right here and now, the best time in my life.

I am sharing this with you for two reasons, I want my friends, and if you are reading this, you are one, to understand where I was, where I am and where I may be going.

I also hope to inspire. I have many friends that struggle with life and it’s ups and downs. If I can help one of you have one extra smile or moment of peace, it will bring me great joy. Please comment and ask questions, I am just figuring out how to put this all in words. Thanks, Doug

Upcoming posts

Hey Everyone,

I am finally getting ready to start doing some blogging.  I plan on talking about the changes in my life in the last year. It has been a year of transition for me like no other. I have met some of the most amazing people. Reconnected with friends I have missed dearly. This journey has taken my from the absolute low point of my life to right here and now, the best time in my life.

I am sharing this with you for two reasons, I want my friend, and if you are reading this, you are one, to understand where I was, where I am and where I may be going.

I also hope to inspire. I have many friends that struggle with life and it’s ups and downs. If I can help one of you have one extra smile or moment of peace, it will bring me great joy.

Please comment and ask questions, I am just figuring out how to put this all in words.

Thanks,

Doug